SO I sit here at 0300 hours and I ask myself this one unanswered question which I know I will probably never get an answer too. Why holly did you do what you did?? why? I know this is question that will probably eat at me for some time to come, and for that sucks I will have to say but I wish I could get it answered. I know holly doesn't read this post so I don't know why I even bother to write this other than to get it off of my mind. I sit here alone, with my cat in a friend's house miles away from people that care about me like family(nothing against my friend because he does) but I just really want to be done with this, done with the divorce, done with Arizona just done. I want to restart my life and may it be successful and I find somebody who does actually care about who I am and what I do and what I've done. I know this sounds selfish but I am tired of pleasing people by being fake why can't you just accept who I am. I am a wounded vet who although is no longer serving has injuries that will forever haunt me. I highly doubt that anybody out there will ever understand or want to be part of my life. I am ok with that not saying that I necessarily that I want it to be that way but that maybe it has to be that way. I have hurt way to many people, with the demons I hide inside of me I just want to be normal is that possible for me? I cannot sleep as I am plagued by the failure that again has struck my life, wondered what's next I sincerely hope it isn't as bad as the last time. I really just want a woman that supports and loves me for the faults I have and the strengths that I don't and do have. I really crave to just be loved unconditionally like my cat does which is why I am so attached to her because she doesn't care if I yell, taunt or pick on her. I am her owner who feeds her and loves her and she wishes nothing else except for me to be happy and to be her owner. I know i am assosicating a cat to a human here but seriously is there anybody out there that is like that. I think possibly but will I meet them in my lifetime who's to know. So I will sit here again alone in my life as I grow a year older soon. I guess I am done bitching for now, I am going to try to sleep we'll see just how unsuccessful this attempt will be. In other news the VA was overly helpful today and that was quite nice, they gave me money for food, haircut, gas, and various odd's and end's. They are also going to help me pay for some of my bills which are definitely mounting up these days. Well for now I am off to try to sleep with a massive headache and hopefully I have a better day tomorrow. Holly I do hope you have a successful future since I have failed to be a good husband, that you may find someone who will be a better fit for your particular attitude style, I do also hope that you sit down and talk to somebody about your past you need to! Eric, Thank you as always for being there through the good times and the bad always shows how true of a friend you are and I sincerely owe you for what you have already done. Jesse, The friend who although went back to NY has been there through many of my life's ups and downs thank you to you too I do appeicate it and I also owe you my life for many of people envy having friend's such as yourself. I love you like a brother I never had and would do anything for you without question. Jennifer, I know we have grown apart over the years but I do love you! I am not saying this just because I am looking for a rebound, but I am sincerely sorry I left when I did to go to japan(i know i didn't really have a choice) but I really wished that I could gotten to know you more your a sweetheart and I am sorry I let you go. To my parents, man am I lucky to have you guys I know the earlier years in my life were rather trying and sorry for that. But you guys have stuck by my side like none other through all the good times and bad. The stupid decisions I have made and the good ones, I love you guys and I miss ya dearly!!
Doc A signing off.
P.S.- I have no intentions of hurting myself I will still be here just expressing my feelings so if your concerned relax your feelers I am ok I promise. I have too much life to live and too many people to help still to leave this earth.
Well as us communist unite to take over the world I mean just provide you with good music. Remember that we all have our 15 mins of fame.
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