a ship set sail,

A ship has set sail with my heart. I have no idea where it will go, and no idea if it will ever return just simply travel until it dies. I have no feeling left just emptiness, have you ever wondered what it would be like to feel nothing at all? Well I can tell you it does exactly feel as it sounds just like nothing. I've gone past the hate, sadness, loneliness to just plain absolutely nothing feeling wise. I rammed my head in the top of the shower last night and should have felt something as I remember doing it but instead I didn't. I just don't even care anymore, I really do wonder if I will ever regain my heart back or if somebody will catch it and bring it back before it gets too far away?? I cannot wait to go home, it is sadly looking like not until july or august time frame sadly but that is ok because well that will give me plenty of time to get ready I suppose. So for now I am going to rewatch the entire NCIS season 1-6 (not all at once). SO i bid you all aldue and good night

Doc A signing off.

The eternal question

SO I sit here at 0300 hours and I ask myself this one unanswered question which I know I will probably never get an answer too. Why holly did you do what you did?? why? I know this is question that will probably eat at me for some time to come, and for that sucks I will have to say but I wish I could get it answered. I know holly doesn't read this post so I don't know why I even bother to write this other than to get it off of my mind. I sit here alone, with my cat in a friend's house miles away from people that care about me like family(nothing against my friend because he does) but I just really want to be done with this, done with the divorce, done with Arizona just done. I want to restart my life and may it be successful and I find somebody who does actually care about who I am and what I do and what I've done. I know this sounds selfish but I am tired of pleasing people by being fake why can't you just accept who I am. I am a wounded vet who although is no longer serving has injuries that will forever haunt me. I highly doubt that anybody out there will ever understand or want to be part of my life. I am ok with that not saying that I necessarily that I want it to be that way but that maybe it has to be that way. I have hurt way to many people, with the demons I hide inside of me I just want to be normal is that possible for me? I cannot sleep as I am plagued by the failure that again has struck my life, wondered what's next I sincerely hope it isn't as bad as the last time. I really just want a woman that supports and loves me for the faults I have and the strengths that I don't and do have. I really crave to just be loved unconditionally like my cat does which is why I am so attached to her because she doesn't care if I yell, taunt or pick on her. I am her owner who feeds her and loves her and she wishes nothing else except for me to be happy and to be her owner. I know i am assosicating a cat to a human here but seriously is there anybody out there that is like that. I think possibly but will I meet them in my lifetime who's to know. So I will sit here again alone in my life as I grow a year older soon. I guess I am done bitching for now, I am going to try to sleep we'll see just how unsuccessful this attempt will be. In other news the VA was overly helpful today and that was quite nice, they gave me money for food, haircut, gas, and various odd's and end's. They are also going to help me pay for some of my bills which are definitely mounting up these days. Well for now I am off to try to sleep with a massive headache and hopefully I have a better day tomorrow. Holly I do hope you have a successful future since I have failed to be a good husband, that you may find someone who will be a better fit for your particular attitude style, I do also hope that you sit down and talk to somebody about your past you need to! Eric, Thank you as always for being there through the good times and the bad always shows how true of a friend you are and I sincerely owe you for what you have already done. Jesse, The friend who although went back to NY has been there through many of my life's ups and downs thank you to you too I do appeicate it and I also owe you my life for many of people envy having friend's such as yourself. I love you like a brother I never had and would do anything for you without question. Jennifer, I know we have grown apart over the years but I do love you! I am not saying this just because I am looking for a rebound, but I am sincerely sorry I left when I did to go to japan(i know i didn't really have a choice) but I really wished that I could gotten to know you more your a sweetheart and I am sorry I let you go. To my parents, man am I lucky to have you guys I know the earlier years in my life were rather trying and sorry for that. But you guys have stuck by my side like none other through all the good times and bad. The stupid decisions I have made and the good ones, I love you guys and I miss ya dearly!!
Doc A signing off.
P.S.- I have no intentions of hurting myself I will still be here just expressing my feelings so if your concerned relax your feelers I am ok I promise. I have too much life to live and too many people to help still to leave this earth.

oh it's been a while.

Well well well,
HMMMMMM so alot has happened since the last time I posted on the ol blog here, a many jobs have come and go. The last one which I still currently hold is at the University of Phoenix(gay job) which I truly hate. I also am looking to try to get back on an ambulance, I am currently married(although working on getting divorce) 3 months. I thought it would work but boy did I get a slap in the face with her. Sigh.... where do I always go wrong, honestly I think I just scare people away with my demons and that they will forever haunt me. So here I sit alone, tormented by thoughts of what can no longer be. I have filed for divorce from super bitch, talking with some old friends and ex g/f who is good to chat with, and an old ritzy friend who my heart has never truly healed from and i'm not sure if I want it too. The evy cat is chilling with me purring away, and I wonder why did my life turn out this way I hurt all the time in my shoulders, my brain aches with past memories, and I seem to push women away as quick as I bring them in except for a very few. I wonder why that is, I suppose it is because of undue stress caused upon me or that I cause upon them. I really wonder what the point of dating is anymore to be quite honest. In other news I have offically decided that I am going to NY for a well needed R&R and I look forward to finally being able to clear my mind and become a civilian. I need that more than I need to breathe. I suppose I have nothing further now, except to say to the ritzy girl HI and I hope we can see each other again I could use a hug.
Doc A Signing off.